The great candy debate rages on, but there’s one truth we can’t deny: Milk chocolate reigns supreme.
The case against dark chocolate is clear. It’s bitter, chalky, pretentious – a sour, joyless charade trying to pass as an indulgent treat. Milk chocolate, on the other hand, is the real deal: sweet, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth perfection.
In our era of partisan one-upmanship, even candy has become a matter of identity politics. Every Halloween, lists appear ranking dozens of candy brands, adjudicating the relative merits of Laffy Taffys and Lemonheads.
Yet the heart of the Halloween candy controversy, the elemental divide, is milk versus dark. It’s time to get off the fence and speak truth to snobbery: When it comes to chocolate, milk does a body good.
The evidence against dark chocolate is damning:
- It just doesn’t taste very good. The higher levels of cacao make it bitter and overwhelm the sugar and cocoa butter. A “treat” shouldn’t feel like ingesting crushed aspirin.
- The bitter taste comes from the pulverized cacao beans. Dark chocolate constantly reminds you you’re eating a plant. Milk chocolate lets you live the sweet fantasy.
- It’s chalky and crumbly in texture – the opposite of chocolate’s soft, melty decadence. Studies show consumers experience dark chocolate as “gritty” and “earthy.”
- Dark chocolate is a pretentious marketing ploy pushed by Big Chocolate. They brand it as “luxury” and jack up prices, while keeping milk chocolate cheap and abundant. Don’t be fooled by exotic flavors like “Intense Dark Midnight Reverie.”
- Milk chocolate makes no apologies for being accessible and crowd-pleasing. Call it “basic” all you want – its deliciousness speaks for itself. Dark chocolate looks down on the Pumpkin Spice Latte-drinkers of the world.
- The whole upscale image is hollow. Mast Brothers built a hipster chocolate brand on lies and $10 bars of ordinary chocolate. Dark chocolate is a grift for the Goop set.
- Dark chocolate’s elitism is antithetical to chocolate’s purpose – providing affordable, uplifting indulgence to the masses. Leave conspicuous consumption to the diamond cartels.
Milk chocolate, on the other hand, is honest about its pedestrian appeal – and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It aims to delight, not impress.
At the end of the day, taste is subjective. If you enjoy dark chocolate’s bitter snap and sandy texture, more power to you. But don’t pretend it’s objectively superior. Milk chocolate lovers live in truth – it’s the real thing.
The only thing worse than pretentious dark chocolate is white “chocolate,” which scarcely deserves the name. It’s little more than candy-coated vegetable oil. Both dark and milk chocolate stand united against this oily abomination.
Yet their differences are definitive. So let’s retire the rankings and respect our contrasting tastes. Just don’t be fooled into thinking dark chocolate is premium. Milk chocolate may be “basic,” but sometimes basic satisfies best.
